Today I will walk away and forget the pain you burdened me with for so many years. For years you asked me what was wrong, and for so many years I didn’t know either. But, now I realize I was always striving for that impossibly high bar you set, and just when my fingers reached it you would raise it ever higher.

What was wrong with me, was that you never protected me, you never said “It’s okay I love you just as you are”, and when I tell you this is the reason, this is what is wrong, you say I never let you. Well my job was not to let you my job was to be a child. If children had their way parents would never put out any stops.

When you felt the job wasn’t worth your time anymore, you decided to have the state pick up the slack. Do you have any Idea what it’s like to be a child who feels alone and forgotten. Locked in a room, far away from home a child who feels like the world is looking at her like some tainted soul. I was locked up with murders, and armed robbers, There we’re girls I new well who, started fire’s that accidentally killed people inside, and for what? Because you couldn’t deal with me? Because you washed your hands of actually being a parent to me?

I have spent years hating myself because you told me I wasn’t quite right. For years you tried to convince that I must have some “mental issue” that prevents me from being normal. But I know different now. I know that to be normal is to be different, to stand up for what I believe and to stand up for how I feel, different is normal it’s what makes the world the place it is.

For years you blamed me for not being the parent you should have been, and the only time you said you were sorry was in a flurry of drunken tears. You asked me to be honest and when I was, then you told me I was wrong. When I wanted to be and express myself, you looked at me through disapproving eyes. I spent my life looking for your approval. Well today I won’t do that anymore.

You asked me to trust you, but never gave me a reason to. You asked me to be there for you and tend to your feelings, well I’m your child that’s not my job. You say you love me, but your actions say you only love me if…. I may have been a difficult teen, but I was not as difficult as some have been. I didn’t do drugs, I didn’t drink, I wasn’t a horrible person. Just a young person trying to deal with her feelings.

Today I refuse to allow you to have that control over me. I will no longer hope for you to see me for the person I am. I will love myself, I have so much to give. I will not parent my child without the same guilt tactics that you used on me for so many years. I will instead encourage my child to identify his feelings and be okay with them. I will encourage him to stand up for what he feels is right, and I will tell him he doesn’t have to work to please me, because honestly I’m pleased with all my children being just who they are. I don’t expect them to be anything other than who they are.

Today I am strong, and I will live my life in the manner in which I choose, today I will not compromise who I am to bend to your or anybody else’s will. I may have walked the road alone for quite a while, but I know now that I am worthy of love, that the worth of my life is not the value which you put on it.

Well yesterday, my son’s old CRT monitor finally decided to quit working. We don’t have the cash at the moment to run out and get a new monitor, so my husband was kind enough to give him his monitor. It was decided that my hubby could use the laptop for what he does. So I formatted it, then installed & Setup Kubuntu for him. He’s pretty happy with it. That left us with one computer that had no monitor, so I decided to bring it into the living room and make good use of it.

This computer is a Gateway GM5478, it originally came with windows vista and has always had a few bugs that made it not work well with Linux, also dual screen doesn’t scale in linux. The one other issue that kept me from making it a mythbox is that the t.v. tuner(an AVerMedia M791) that came with the system is not supported by linux. So knowing all that I decided to put Vista back on it for our purposes.

I finally figured out how to make apt:// urls work in firefox kubuntu. apt:// urls allow you to install software at the click of link in your browser. The fix was actually rather simple, just run the following command in your terminal.
sudo apt-get install apturl firefox-3.5-gnome-support
After running the command head over to allmyapps and test it by trying to install one of the programs they have listed.

You told me that you loved me, but then you turned away; you taught me that what I felt was important then you would not listen to what I had to say.

Years I spent trying to define, whose fault it was & all the while it made no reason and I only pretended better with time. Feelings are okay you say and yes you can cry, but when I tried to truly feel you didn’t understand why.

I never meant to cause pain only to understand, yet somehow still I’m caught up in this madness that only you seem to be able to follow.

So I installed Kubuntu 9.10 RC and it is definitely beautiful. The font’s look quite nice, and everything just feels smooth. I didn’t have any of the sound issues which occurred with jaunty so all my sound was working out of the box! As far as differences go, here are a few improvments:

1. In 9.04 firefox and other GTK applications, just looked like GTK applications, however in 9.10 even firefox looks beautiful, I’m assuming that means that gtk-qtcurve has been updated in some manner.
2. Speaking of firefox, Kubuntu Karmic now sports a new Firefox installer and it did make things a whole lot easier.
3. Kopete now supports facebook which in my opinion is a plus
4. Karmic feels faster and I suppose that’s because I’m now using the ext4 file system which is the default setting.

Overall I would have to say that Kubuntu Karmic just feels nicer, It’s not clunky or resource consuming and my overall feeling of it is one of comfort.

I just finished installing Kubuntu 9.10 and it’s absolutely amazing.I didn’t have any of the issues that occurred when I installed Jaunty, my sound worked great right out of the box!

Aside from not having any sound issues, the new notifier is great, even my gtk apps have kde style pop-ups. I even found a new extension for Thunderbird witch uses libnotify. In jaunty, firefox and other gtk apps looked like gtk apps, however even firefox looks very beautiful in kubuntu karmic. I’m assuming the that means gtk-qtcurve has been updated in some manner. Speaking of firefox; kubuntu karmic now has a nice installer for it, that really made things easier. kopete now surpports facebook which in my opinion is a plus. Karmic is faster, I suppose that’s because I’m now using the ext4 file system instead of ext3. Overall I would say Kubuntu karmic just feels nicer. It’s not clunky or resource consuming. The over feeling you get is one of comfort. The only downside I found was for an application and can’t be laid at kubuntu’s feet. The new version of amarok has removed the shoutcast plugin due to some licensing problems.

Well I couldn’t wait anymore with the release of Of Kubuntu 9.10 RC I decided to try an upgrade. Currently the upgrade is running (downloading packages). Before I attempted the upgrade I backed everything and burned a copy of the RC to disk. So worse case scenario I have to re-install so we’ll see I guess how it goes.

Well I spent last night adding another bill to our long list of medical bills we can’t pay by paying a visit to the emergency room. Lately My legs have been itching a lot due to dry skin, well it turns out that I have what they call Cellulitis It’s a bacterial skin infection. Cellutitis is pretty common and they gave me some antibiotics to treat it. But I really had to wonder about the doctor. Actually he was a Physicians assistant whatever that means, he wanted to keep me overnight for my heart arrhythmia that my cardiologist told me I would probably have for the rest of my life. Well I already hate hospitals, and I have no medical insurance to speak of since Mark got laid off . The state told us we make to much money for me to get medical assistance of any kind. So I told that doctor that I was leaving, and not staying. So they gave me the antibiotics and I left AMA (against medical advice). So here I am. My legs look better already, aside from the itching, I’m applying cortaid, but it still itches, and I’m doing my best to ignore it.

So we decided to get rid of cable as a way to save money on bills, and so far, I have no complaints. In fact I would say I watch more television programming now, than I did before. Here

I found a decent story on the history of copyright over at arstechnica, it’s quite an interesting read. Seems big money has always been afraid of new tech..