Loneliness, persistent pain, unhappiness felt in vain. Tormenting pain, running to nothing and yet something at all! Wandering into darkness keeping it within, never knowing what it is. Answers hide in the corners and then run so far away. How can I can ask the questions when I don’t know what they are?

Deep in the soul a hardening heart building up the concrete walls. Help me find myself in this darkness. Help understand the pain I never wanted but always had. Where can I go what can I do when I can’t find you.

Buried in myself uneasiness I can’t endure. Falling, always falling, give me your hand helps my climb up without your hand without you I can’t get there.

Well today I received a package from home in the mail. The package had a few gifts, a t-shirt from my old radio station back home, a teddy bear knick-knack, & a new journal. But it was that last item(s) that really upset me. My Family enclosed a photo album with all kinds of pictures in it. I lost it, I was crying for nearly two hours with home-sickness. I really need to get home. I hope we can get the money together this year.

My Hubby has informed me today that after thinking long and hard on the matter….that he has decided he wants to have a baby! I mean he wants me to have it but…lol…well you get what I’m saying. An extraordinary feat this will be since My tubes are tied…meaning that the only way for my pregnancy to take place will be when a doctor makes a little petri dish cocktail and the does in vitro fertilization (spell?). Well I’m stoked at the possibility even though it may not happen for a few years (Some bills need to be taken care of first). I would love another little one. That has always been all that I wanted anyway…when other girls in school were daydreaming about their careers all I wanted was a family…I’m and old fashioned kinda gal I guess I get that from my mother…she always like staying at home and playing house too though the opportunity never really happened for her. Sooo Hopefully things will go the way we want and in a couple of years we can get started on our own family…we only want one…since I already have 3. I’m hoping for another boy…he wants a girl…lol. go figure.

Left to go get something to eat yesterday and I started to take a step down the stairs (we have a second floor Apartment) and wham My knee goes out from under me! Good thing for the rails or I would have never caught myself. I can just see me tumbling down the stairs. I have horrible knees I tore them up in high school playing volleyball. Well anyway so alllllllll my weight lands right on my knee. (OUCH !!!!!!!!!!!!!) So now I’m hobbling all over the place cuz I knocked my knee plate out of socket and had to put it back……..Damn knees. Soo anyway tonight we left to go to the grocery and after I hobbled my way down the steps I noticed how beautifully foggy it is. I love fog. We went for a drive in it. And it’s so thick you can’t even see the tail lights of the car in front of you. I like it. And Now here I sit doing nothing I’m rather board at the moment. I’m thinking of Playing Sims but then it’s just one of those times when nothing sounds fun……who knows. I’m going to quit rambling now and jump off of here….byeeeeeeee.

I haven’t been around in a while cuz My depression hit an all time low this year but I should be kewl now I got new meds for my bi-polar. Which means no more ups and downs. YEAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!

My Website is coming along well. only problem is that my forums are dead with the exception of my staff members…..and hubby no one is posting. Sux when you work hard to set stuff up and no one uses it. Ohh well call me a dork but I enjoy working with the stuff…lol. Hope everyone on here has been ok while I was missing…lol.

Today I saw sunshine bit’s and pieces scattered around the room. Little shards of light each perfected in the perfection that was itself. Wrap your warmth around me and hold me in the light. Awaken to me to the Perfection that you are.
Everything around me is a tapestry of color, beautiful in its entirety. To see the gift around is to see peace. To weave the web of creation that surrounds all life stillness in the morning light. Harmony like no one has ever known. Create with your mind tender love and you will grow the beauty that is life.

Well Let me tell you of My wedding day. We got up this morning about 8:00 and went about like mad trying to get things done before we were finally ready to leave. We were both a nervous wreck! We got a phone call from the family friend who was supposed take the pictures and he said he would meet us at the courthouse. Finally we leave to the courthouse. We get there and wait for the judge, But we’re also still waiting for the friend. Finally they come out and call us into the Judges office. And its Me, Mark, His Mother and Father. They have us sign our proper papers then we go into his chambers and the 2 Minute ceremony takes place, the whole time I’m shaking like a Leaf…..but it was awesome. Well after all is said and done we walk outside and guess who we run into……hmmmmmm….The family friend Adam with his cameras….lol…we found out it wasn’t his fault though he ran into some unexpected road construction along the way. But it turned out alright anyway When all is said and done next to the 3 days I met my 3 children on this was one of the happiest days of my life.

We got some neat gifts but the best has to be what we got from his parents. You see when we first moved up here we were pretty much broke and his parents helped up by getting us an apartment and paying the rent until we got on our feet. Well part of their gift was that they erased our debt to them. Then they actually signed over the title of the car they have been letting us use, Plus they gave us $150.00 and took us to dinner. I cried…. 🙂 .

Well as soon as we get pictures I will hook everyone up with a look and…We have Digital Video so I’ll hook you up with that to.

Sooo I’m off to spend my night with my new dear husband I’ll let you guys know about how the honeymoon goes byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Ok Friday is the big day. Though I’m not really nervous yet I’m sure I will be Then…lol. In other news of my life My website is growing very very very very very very slowly except that NOBODY will post in my forums For Crying out loud I even started excepting requests for the show! Sheesh. any way Wish me Luck Tomorrow everyone I’m sure I’ll need it…lol.

P.S. Here Gramie I did it cuz ya said to…lol.

1. Think of a word you would use to describe me.
2. Go to Google Image Search and search for that word.
3. Select the picture you see as most fitting, and post it as a reply.
4. I’ll reply and try to guess the word you used.
5. Post this meme in your journal.

Haven’t been on in soooo long I thought I would drop a line. Getting Married is headache I don’t mean the actual getting Married part I mean the setting it all up part. Which is nuts because a Justice of the peace ceremony is supposed to be easy! Let me fill you in.

1. Month One week 2: Proposal takes place and decision for small quiet ceremony is made.
2. Month One week 4: Friends and family are informed of the intention to get married every one says they are happy for us.
3. Month 2 week 2: First date is chosen for September 10th and then friends and family are informed of date father of the groom requests that we wait due to his untimely busy season at work causing him to work weekends and 12 hour shifts. Date is changed to September 25th.
4. Month 2 week 3: Groom and his best man who is brother have fight causing the best man to say he will not attend the wedding until Groom apologizes. Groom refuses to apologizes and is forced to ask father to stand in. Date is changed again due to friend with camcorder not being available on said date of September 25. New Date September 26th.
5. Month 2 Week 4: Marriage license acquired. Groom and Bride informed that some of the Justice of Peace People are on vacation therefore the date of September 26 must be moved to October 1st. Bride Cries due to wedding jitters causing groom to become nervous the next day they apologize and everything is ok
6. Month 3 week 1: While picking up wedding dress Bride is informed that there was a mistake and the seamstress accidentally ordered the wrong pattern For the For the alterations therefore she must return in a week for the dress. BONUS BRIDE and GROOM RECEIVE $100 DISCOUNT FOR MISTAKE.
7. Month 3 week 2: One week before the wedding and Bride almost has nervous breakdown. Begs groom to take off and get married in Vegas with her. Groom calms Bride and then takes her to dinner. Brides Mother informs bride that The grandmothers “Brooch” is on it’s way making bride feel like at least something is finally going right.
8. Today: I AM GOING TO KILL SOMEONE IF ONE MORE THING GOES WRONG FOR CRYING OUT LOUD ALL I WANT TO DO IS GET MARRIED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Soo thats why I’ve not been on lately…lol.

Hey Big Brother Here’s something I wrote when I lost my grandfather I hope it makes you Feel at least a little Better with Everything thats going on Right Now I’m sure it’s not easy.

I went and saw you today, and I was not sure what to say. I felt so hurt but the quietness of your life held my words at bay.

I cried as we all did, and said a silent prayer that the gods would take your pain. But then I realized they had everything to gain.

They’ll have your smile and the jokes that you tell, the stories and the memories that only you know so well.

The kindness in your heart we always new was there in the little things you said and did just to show you cared.

My heart aches from knowing we will miss you but then I guess the reasons the gods have for wanting you are just as good as ours, and in the end we know your better off.

The gods are who made you, so now they can enjoy what we Have had for so many years.

Angela Stover
8-21-1998

Luv ya Gram Mark and I are here if you need us.